Alert: Female Aliens Abducting Men!

Attention, Earthlings! We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you an important announcement:
Female Aliens Are Abducting Men with Large… Attributes!
Yes, you read that right. It seems our planet has caught the attention of a group of extraterrestrial women who are on a mission. Reports are coming in from all over the world about men mysteriously disappearing. Here’s what we know so far:
The Abductions: These spacefaring ladies, who call themselves the "Venusian Valorians," have been selectively abducting men with large... um, endowments. They’re apparently conducting “research” and are very particular about their subjects.
How They Choose: The Venusian Valorians have advanced scanning technology that allows them to determine a man's qualifications from orbit. So, if you've noticed any bright lights in the sky lately, don’t worry – it's not Santa doing a summer test flight.
Safety First: For most of our readers, there’s no need to panic. Statistically speaking, the vast majority of men are entirely safe from these abductions. If you've ever been described as "average" or "modest" down there, you can rest easy tonight.
What to Do: For those who might be at risk (you know who you are), it’s advised to stay indoors, avoid standing in open fields, and definitely don't do any nude sunbathing. For extra protection, consider wearing multiple layers – those alien scanners are sophisticated, but they can't penetrate through three pairs of jeans and a couple of wool sweaters.
Why This is Happening: The Venusian Valorians are conducting “research” to understand Earth’s genetic diversity. They've promised to return their subjects unharmed, albeit a little flattered and perhaps with some new stories to tell.
Reassurance for Most: To all the men out there anxiously reading this: Relax! Chances are, you’re completely safe. If you've ever felt inadequate, now's your time to shine. Consider this your cosmic reassurance that being "average" isn't just okay – it’s a blessing in disguise!
Public Service Announcement: For those few who might actually be in danger of abduction: Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor. Remember, if you see a bright light, it might be a good time to do some push-ups or practice your best “I’m taken” speech.
Stay safe out there, Earthlings! And remember, in the grand scheme of things, it’s the size of your heart that truly matters. 💖👽✨

Note: This is a parody! If offended, please enjoy the next one. 😅🎉 Thanks! 👍